Labgirl,
I agree with MF's post, and would describe my experience in this way: I think many of us start from a place of "why can't I stop" - which implies that it is simply a matter of choice whether to drink or not. It is obviously not an ordinary choice like the other choices in our lives, but there IS an element of choice. Not drinking is painful on a lot of levels - withdrawal, mood swings, cravings. Many of us can deal with those things for a limited time, with limited outside stressors. But add a brutal day at work, emotional turmoil, etc. and we capitulate. Why? Because in our mind it is less painful to drink than to deal with the stress on top of the pain of early sobriety. And the clock resets. It takes months of abstinence before things change significantly in terms of our cravings, emotional stability, clarity of thinking and judgment. The only way to get there is to go through early sobriety - this is why outside support from people who have been there and are there to help you - are so important. Because when you are truly connected to those people - which is not an easy thing for an alcoholic in early sobriety to do - that support is what gets us through the times that we otherwise would drink.
Melinda's point is so true - I had to undeniably accept that I was whipped and beaten and that it would always be that way for me with alcohol - before I would even consider doing the things it took to get sober. That day for me was about a week before Christmas 2009, and I remember that awful day like it was last week. There's a saying in AA "If you ever forget your last drink, you probably haven't had it yet."
It takes getting to the jumping off place to get sober. If on some level we believe that drinking alcohol is easier than dealing with cravings, job issues, relationships, emotions, etc. - alcohol will still seem like a viable option. When I 100% understood and accepted that alcohol was not going to solve any of my problems or make me feel better, I began to do what was necessary and my life began to improve. 64 months down the road, my life is so much more than I dared hope on that ugly Saturday afternoon. But first I had to surrender.
Labgirl, you can do this. Please stay in touch.