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Old 04-16-2015, 09:47 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Pouncer
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Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers View Post
I know exactly where you are because I was there too. I joined here in 2010. I wanted the benefits of sobriety while I continued to drink. I didn't want hangovers anymore and I certainly wanted the blackouts to stop. But, I still wanted to drink. I was hoping to cut back.

If I could talk to my 2010 self I'm really not sure what I would say. I was so addicted to drinking lots of alcohol every night I'm not sure if anyone or anything could have or would have made me rethink and put in the work to stop.

I will tell you that I wish I had stopped in 2010. It would have helped my health, that's for sure. Alcohol does damage your health and it took me four more years of drinking to figure that out.

You have to want sobriety more than you want to drink. I was at 45% wanting it and 55% wanting to drink for years. I knew I should stop and part of me really wanted to stop. But I didn't want it badly enough. I thought I could find a way to stop the negatives (hangovers and blackouts) but still fit alcohol into a corner of my life.

When and why did I stop? I could not take the hangovers anymore. But everyone says that, right? I literally COULD NOT do one more. Are you into the daily withdrawals yet? Sweating, high blood pressure, clamminess, diarrhea? If you're there then you know what I mean. Every minute of every day was a living nightmare.

Drinking became harder than not drinking. It takes a lot of freakin' drinking to get to this point. It made life easier for so long that I thought it would just continue helping me out but it turned on me.

In some ways stopping was easy. In other ways it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had nine months to think about it and it is kinda simple. That's nice at least. I can do whatever I want as long as I don't drink.

Think of sobriety as opening doors rather than closing them. Even driving to Target at 9:30 pm and shopping is kinda fun. You have a lot more time in the evenings to do whatever you want.

It sure is different but it is 100% worth it. It wasn't a choice anymore in the end. I had taken all I could get from alcohol.
Great post, Melinda. I worry about that 45/55 split, too.

LabGirl, I just relapsed too and feel really horrible. It is like I just want to keep trying to drink like a normal person and try one last time. When will I get it in my head that it is like drinking bleach? I should never drink again, ever. I do know that I cannot handle another Day 1. I cannot muster the strength anymore to go through another Day 1 guilt-riddled morning. I want alcohol out of my life forever. Full stop.

I just started working on a mindfulness book, "The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction." I know my problems are due to avoidance and so far, the book is right on the money for the reasons I drink. There is even a chart with names of emotions to help learn how to identify feelings. I keep trying to find out why I drink and it is because I don't know. Does that make sense?

Hang in there, I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Hopefully we'll see you in the meeting tomorrow?
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