Thatdeliveryguy

Well this weeks been a roller coaster, looked like homelessness and lots of other evil stuff on Monday. A good friend stepped in and helped me, yet again. I've had more bail outs and hands up then anyone I know. Probably a bit of a crutch, I seem to always find an answer other than helping myself. Because its repeatedly in my responses, and implied often and I've acknowledged it before. If you think I am a narcissistic, yes I am.

Now with the bail out and the results of going back to outpatient. Outpatient applauded me for the fact that I went from literally being a daily drinker to getting quite a few sustained non drinking periods under my belt.

We talked about me feeling like I should drink, CPS ( the state telling me I can't drink), what I really want to do, be sober, continuing to drink, attempting to moderate and otherwise. And most importantly the expected outcome.

What I would like the expected outcome to be is a complete cessation from drinking, I believe I've more then shown I am incapable of drinking period, without drinking in excess. I would like my daughter back, being med compliant and employment again.

I was told outpatient, inpatient whatever doesn't work unless you've decided you want to stop the undesired behavior I participate in. The counselor told me, he doesn't believe I want to stop completely. He believes, I want to drink normally, get my daughter back and go on with life. I try to be introspective, I really do give value in what he said, I disagree. I still believe I want to stop completely, but don't know how.

I was given two options, do what CPS requires, go to at least 2 group classes a week, and 1 one on one class. Or I could step it up and go to at least 4 classes a week and 1 one on one, but with the option of more classes if I volunteer. He said, given my total situation where though I repeatedly relapsed, the fact that over time I am slowly improving he think that inpatient isn't necessarily the best option because I've demonstrated the ability to go 38 days. And because of my financial situation, a job is needed soon.

I told him about my frustration with the fact that people will say things to me like " well its your daughter and nothing, and you chose to drink so I guess the bottle is more important then your daughter". I was told that if an addicts mind could prioritize and rationalize things, then nobody would be an addict. Addiction manifest itself in ways that at times are hard to understand, but that doesn't detract from caring or wanting anything. I do believe that, but he was careful to tell me that doesn't detract from my responsibilities.

Gosh so much, no now more intensive outpatient, focusing my goals. Again, I try to go forward and learn and focus on sobriety. Sobriety has been quite the obstacle for me, but I am slowly improving and making many strides just one calender year ago, I would have never been able to binge for a few days then stop, refocus and go back to being sober. Change doesn't happen over night, but then again neither did being an addict for me. Jeremy, I thank you for all your responses from today and the other day, I was so in shock after getting 38 days behind me and again messing up, that I only read the replies today because I didn't know what to do.