Hi all,
Well it is the beginning of day ten for me.
Physically, I am finished. The insomnia monster was my constant companion through the night. The hand shakes are barely perceptible this morning. The burning sensation under my skin on the side of my face is there, but I expect that it will fade much more slowly now. The brain mist is not here again this morning, so I will not mention it again unless it comes back. It is almost as if my body and the AV have ganged up against me to coerce me into taking that next drink. I know I will not, but they still have to see that.
Mentally, I am clear and focused. I am able to do arithmetic in my head. This is a great feeling. I am able to think on my feet and can adapt my thinking and strategy to meet the requirement of the task at hand. My memory is coming back.
Emotionally, I am not sure where I stand. I started this morning in a dark place, but by the time I got to work I was emotionally void.
I know that I have reached the stage in my journey where I need to start dealing with the emotional issues. The further I progress down this road, the more I realize that abstinence is the easy part. It is easy to abstain from the bottle. I have managed to do this through sheer will power and fear. The emotional turmoil left in the wake of our drinking is the hard part. I know I have to address these issues, but I don't know how. Where does one start? Forgiveness? How can we seek forgiveness if we are unable to forgive ourselves?
I think I could say that I am afraid. I am fearful. What do I fear? Fear of never drinking again? Fear of not being able to have fun without drinking? Fear of a failed marriage? Fear of the unknown road that lies ahead waiting for me?
Most of these fears are unfounded, but not all. I have enjoyed the few days that I have had of sobriety. I have reaped so many physical and mental benefits from sobriety. It is the emotional facet that brings fear. How does one mend the past?
They say one should start at the beginning. I cannot remember the beginning. It is so far back and shrouded in such dense fog that I am unable to pierce through it to see the starting line. I therefore cannot go back to the very beginning.
We can never fix the past. We can never undo the pain and hurt that we caused love ones with our drinking. Harsh words that can never be unsaid. Actions that can never be undone. Those things of our past were a different us. The drunk us. We have lost that time forever. This is the harsh reality of what our drinking has done to us.
I know that I have to make peace with this. It is not an easy thing to do with so many things that should have been said, but are left unsaid. There are so many things that should have been done, but are now left undone. I have a suspicion that our inability to cope with this guilt is what drives us to relapse. The guilt and pain get too much to handle. We don't know how to deal with it and seek solace within the bottle. This only releases the demon again and we are back on the hamster wheel and cannot get off.
I do not know what the future holds. I wish I could say that it would be rosy and that everything would work out just the way I planned. I suspect that this will not be the case. I think that we will be dealt difficult challenges as we progress down this journey of sobriety. As difficult as these challenges are, I do not think that they will be beyond us. They might seem so, but I believe that they are there to make us stronger.
I do not have the answers. I do not know the way. I am in the dark. I have found the lantern, now I need to find the match that I can strike to light it. When I have the light, I can find the path that I need to travel so that I might heal myself. While I scratch and fumble around on the floor in the darkness, I must cling to the only thing I have left - my sobriety.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers
ZAB