rdy2change

I spent probably 5-6 hours yesterday reading these boards. I didn't think I would join and post but seeing all the support I decided to.

I am 29 and I am an alcoholic. Sounds so terrible to admit because I am also a mother. Not to mention destroying my relationship with my bf. Ever since I can remember I could never moderately drink. I always needed more more more. I would buy a bottle of wine and say, just a glass a night. But then drank the whole thing. I hit such a low the other day. I literally hate myself for it. I had to be escorted home by two police officers because I had been drinking, went walking to get more to drink and fell over. Thankfully my bf was home and they left me with him. I totally embarrassed myself. Him and everyone. Like I have done so many times since my early twenties. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Nearly hate myself. I feel like such a crappy mom. Like how could I let this sick disease control me more than the love for my daughter? Makes me want to cry. I just might. I love her more than anything. I don't know why I could never just stop in the past or I thought I could moderate but I am ready to stop completely now. I know I have to accept the fact that I can't drink like a normal person. And I want to be the best mom ever for my daughter. Someone she adores. I have so many regrets. Ugh. Sometimes I just feel like the worst person in the world. How could this happen to me? I haven't drank since monday, I know not a big deal.. But for the first time I really feel the power to not drink. At least for now. I know I need support and this seems like a great place! I love reading the success stories. And people I can relate to. My bf I know I put him through a lot but it doesn't help me when he yells at me and calls me a crazy lunatic and a horrible person. I realize I have a disease now and I want to rid of it. I hate who I have become and want to be who I was and could be. I hope this wasn't too long. I kind of yammered on... But this community seems great!