Unbelieveable
So, I just wanted to say that I still can't seem to believe the ease, with which I sipped alcohol a couple of days ago. I was having a really hard time personally and after a period of well-considered abstinence, I felt I deserved one can of beer and half a glass of wine, not more. Then I sat in my room and was very torn and conflicted between having that drink, knowing what all of it had caused me or leaving it and continue feeling like a lonely waste of space.
It's always the same: the av( I guess that's what you call it over here.) said: just have the one, you can stop, you're smart enough, just get a light buzz and go create something nice( in this case, a story.) It'll get your mind off of her( the person I love.)
And then: you can guess what happened: I drank the can of beer, before I slowly, yet deliberately proceeded to chug down the entire bottle of pink wine. And of course, on top of that: I didn't write anything, I just stared at pictures of my one and only and reminiscensed about our past, in the last five years and when the high wore off: I still felt miserable AND guilty.
The positive note, though: I fessed up to my family, showed them the empty bottle and it finally got through to them that I have a real problem. Now I'm getting some much needed help, from a personal coach. Also: everybody has agreed to not drink in front of me anymore.
Yet, I don't think I'll ever stop missing the buzz, no matter how much it sucks when it passes. I've always considered myself smart and strong-willed, yet somehow now: I have become a slave to alcohol. I thought I'd be way further ahead in life by now, it's so incredibly sad. I miss the sane, anti-drugs, motivated highschool-me. Yet, still flawed and often depressed, she was a better person: creative, witty, nice to others... But I guess she has left the building, maybe forever...