Old 04-14-2015, 09:08 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Joe Nerv
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
The OP is why AA was so crucial to me in the first decade of my sobriety. 6 months was actually a landmark, as it was at that time that I came closest to actually drinking again. Took a mouthful of wine, in fact...

I remember similar feelings, too. I felt as though my brain was a pressure cooker, and it was getting to the point where it was going to blow. I couldn't imagine continuing without some sort of release. And the release I wanted most was the one I remember coming from alcohol. Just to let it all go, and take a complete brain vacation. If even just for a day.

The meeting after that mouthful of wine I kinda broke down at. It's the first time I really felt a part of AA. It was the first time I got some hugs too, much needed ones, from people I believed really cared. Those people helped me build an unshakable foundation that's lasted over 30 years now.

As I just wrote in another thread, putting the drink down isn't that tough a thing for most to do. Keeping it down and being happy about it is a different story. I needed the help of AA, the 12 steps, therapy, trying new things, plus a lot of patience to get to the point where I was happy about my life. I also had to learn that it's OK to feel uncomfortable. Some would have us believe that we're supposed to be happy, joyous and free 24/7, but well... that's not what I consider a genuine life. Pain and frustration are a part of life too, and well... they always wind up pushing me to new levels.

If whatever you're doing presently isn't working as well as you wish, I urge you to find new things. Exercise, eating differently, AA (if you're not already a member), the 12 steps, therapy, reading inspirational material, making new friends, new hobbies.... whatever it is that needs to be done in order to stay away from the drink, and grow in a positive direction. That's the way I always look at it anyhow. For me, to pick up a drink means I lose. All bets are off. I'm headed downhill. Period. To not pick up I have a chance, and if I take positive action I know I'm moving forward.

One last note. I knew in my heart that regardless of anything, I couldn't live a drinking life anymore. I knew that if I picked up a drink, if I wanted to continue living I'd have to put it down again at some point. And with whatever amount of time I accumulated, I never wanted to relive it again. What I went through my first week sober, I wanted behind me. If I picked up, I knew I'd have to do it again one day. A week, the same thing. That time span got longer and longer. At six months, there was no way I wanted to go through it all again. I was at a point that I knew I had to either go through whatever I was dealing with now, or go through it some other time down the line. I wanted the suffering to end. So I continued to put one sober foot in front of the other, no matter what, one day at a time.
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