Hi all,
So I have managed to complete my first AF week and am now on day eight.
Physically I feel fine. I did wake with a headache, but that could be lack of sleep. The insomnia monster would not leave me alone last night so I only dozed off after midnight. Sleep when it did come was deep and sound. I slept right through until the alarm went off. I am very pleased with that. The sensation of the burning under my skin on the side of my face is still with me. It is not as noticeable as the previous days, but nonetheless it is still there. The hand shaking is very slight this morning, but I know that as the day progresses it will slowly get worse. I really do need to make time for some exercise as I am sure it will help me both physically; mentally and emotionally.
Mentally I feel fine.The brain mist is absent this morning, but I am sure it will return later during the day, but to a lesser extent. For those of you not familiar with brain mist - the best explanation I can give is this. Imagine wearing an overly tight headband. That is the sensation of brain mist. Concentration has improved vastly over the past week. It feels as if my brain is firing on all cylinders. I find that as the days go by and my sobriety increases that I am not afraid to face meetings and the confrontation that typically accompanies them. In fact I am starting to relish it again. I do not mean that it is an all out battle field, but rather I mean that it is a great feeling to use your brain to reach a compromise or outsmart an opponent. Whether this is to convince the person that your idea is actually theirs or to subtly bring your point across - it is great to be able to think clearly. Debate has become fun and not something to avoid.
Emotionally I am in a different sphere of feeling this morning. I am feeling anger and pain. Anger at myself. Anger at others for perceived wrongs against me. Anger at missed opportunities. Much of the anger is unfounded as many of the situations I find myself in today are of my own making. Pain is synonymous with loss. The loss of self respect, the loss of a sibling, the loss of the respect and or love of others. Perhaps I should re-label it as self pity. I know that I have to embrace these emotions and to learn how to deal with them. As stated in an earlier post, when sober, the emotions are much more intense. It is a bitter pill, but it will make me stronger.
I did manage to break my self-imposed ban this morning unfortunately. When I woke up, the first thing I did was light a cigarette. Too late as I realised that I am not supposed to smoke in the house anymore. At least I managed to only smoke that one. I did not smoke normal cigarettes in the car on the way to work, only the silver cigar. So at least the ban is now in the forefront of my conscious mind and so I should be able to stick to it.
Well this is the morning of day eight and this is where I find myself on this journey of self recovery and healing. Initially when I started this abstinence program, it was to detox or abstain from alcohol for twenty one days. The plan was then to control or moderate my drinking. The further down the road that I travel, the more I realise that this is a pipe dream. I could not control my drinking then. In all likely hood I would not be able to control it now and the probability is that I will not be able to control it in thirteen days time. So the idea of a detox has to be buried and the grief of never drinking again mourned. With the mourning of never drinking again, the celebration of sobriety, life, clear thinking and self determination.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers
ZAB