Lazula

I'm a hot blooming mess looking for somewhere to start. I'm a social worker. I work with addicts. I have packed up so many bags of clothes, cross word puzzle books, alcohol-free hygiene products, Bibles and Big Books, and carted women off to treatment facilities at all hours of the day and night, waiting anxiously in the parking lot while they cross that threshold to their futures. Meanwhile, I'm a mess. I can't cook a meal or do the dishes without a 6-pack. I function, but it's so half-assed. I wake up every morning feeling like ****, guilty, angry, and sad. I am a wife and a mother, and in the name of self-care, I poison myself, because it's the only way I know how to cope. I'm so tired. Every day I say I can't take it anymore and swear I'll do things differently. And then I don't. Tonight my 7-year-old was with me at the grocery store, helping me chuck the returnable beer bottles into the machine so I could buy groceries (and more beer). She said "Mama, how bad is beer for you.?" I told her it was a little bit bad. Then she commented on how many bottles there were, and I got angry. I was angry at her for noticing, but I was more angry at myself. It struck me that she's making childhood memories that I don't want her to have. I don't know how to make tomorrow different. I don't know how to work a week without calling in with a "migraine." I so don't want this to be my life. I don't know how I got here, but I can't do it anymore. I've committed to memory every meeting within a 5 mile radius, because that's where I send my clients, but I've never been to one. I struggle with where my professional boundaries end and my potential recovery begins. I'm keeping myself sick with that battle, out of fear of being in a meeting with a client, and of being seen as a fraud. I know that's mine. I know I'm sick. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do anything about it. I'm terrified and angry and sad and tired. I want a tomorrow where I remember all of today. Any insight would be helpful. I just want to be in a better place than I am right now. Thank you for your time.