overwhelmed
hello,
I left my husband in late November after finally accepting that he was an alcoholic (he probably has been the entire 14 years we've known each other) and that he wasn't willing to get help.
I moved out, started divorce proceedings, and he went to rehab in Jan, initially to get me back. He did his 30 days and is now in an outpatient program and goes to AA meetings 6 days a week and is secretary at one. He has a sponsor.
He was doing so well that I started to feel guilty so I came home last week and agreed to hold off on the divorce and try again.
Honestly I don't think I want to. I have so much anger (yes I'm in therapy) at him. He was never verbally or physically abusive but his drinking hurt me. He was never there really, and he was too anxious to go out, unless a lot of drinking was involved, which was no fun for me. I was drinking too much myself (1-2 glasses of wine a night) and it was messing up my depression treatment as well as my weight and physical wellbeing. He basically never really held up his end of the relationship. By Nov we were no longer sleeping in the same room and I wanted nothing to do with him.
I have my own issues that contributed to our marital problems, including depression, anxiety, PTSD and extreme difficulty communicating about emotions. I've been in therapy for 20 years working on this stuff and progressing at a slow but satisfactory pace. (I'm in my late 40s) He has refused therapy of any kind including couples until he went to rehab. Now he wants us to go to couples therapy and the last thing I want is to talk to him about anything.
I do care about him. I don't know if I love him anymore.
When I was away and planning on the divorce I dated a couple of people who were both extremely problematic in their own ways but I did learn that I am not the worthless ugly person that I thought I was over the years. I've learned a few things and one of them is how to realise when I'm picking out the sickest person in the room to date.... and to get out of it as soon as I can.
I'd be happy at this point to be alone with my animals. I really want to keep the house but neither of us can afford it alone, so it will probably have to be sold and I may need to move out of the town I love so much and always wanted to live in, which is one of the hardest things for me to face. I also have difficulty believing I can support myself financially although I have done so in the past.
There are no children.
I sometimes feel I owe it to him and the marriage to try again. But where was he all these years and what did he owe the marriage? or me?
I don't think I trust him anymore. I know he was hiding his drinking at the end. Why wouldn't he do it again, or cheat on me, or ...?
And I honestly don't want years of fearing relapse. I'm pretty sure he will relapse one day and I don't want to do all that work on getting back together and rebuilding the marriage and then have him relapse and break my heart all over again. I don't consciously blame him but this isn't my first rodeo with an alcoholic and I'm just not up for this.
He says he loves me but I don't know if he even knows me. Or if I ever knew him.
Frankly I just want to go back to where I was living while we were separated for at least six more months and recover and work on myself. Without dating anyone! Can I put the divorce on hold but not cancel it? Maybe a legal separation? I will ask my lawyer tomorrow and consult a financial professional about my financial situation.
He is not a mean drunk, just a sad/hurt/put-upon drunk, and this is still present in his sober self, and I've been trained since childhood to put everybody else in the world first, so I feel guilty for not taking care of my own husband....but I don't even take care of myself.
I guess I want to believe that it's ok to do what I want to do even though my husband will not like it and will cry and be hurt and sad about it...