Hi vv171w,
I don't think it's naive - we all want to believe the best, and when they have periods of recovery or sobriety, it's easy to believe that maybe, just maybe our hopes are founded.
What I have learned through my experiences with my XAH and through reading here, a lot, is that the reality of addiction is what it is - we like to believe our situation is unique, however it isn't.
Whatever has gone before the rose tinted glasses are now off and you have a choice.
It's not easy.
And for me I am so much healthier already now that I have had some space from my AH (separated 3 weeks now). Things are beginning to become much clearer.
Yes addicts can recover, but only if they want to and only when THEY are ready. It has NOTHING to do with me and my presence can't make it happen (may even delay it).
Even if and when they do recover, I will still not be put first, his recovery will.
The very best thing I can do for me is focus on my own recovery.
We all get to make our choices.
Sending you strength during this time.
Whatever you decide this is a great place to be and get / give support.