Originally Posted by amandaw

Hi everyone! I'm on day 11 here. I feel pretty good, but I have to admit I feel as though I'm cheating because I'm on antabuse. I'm not going through any recovery program, just a drug that terrifies me. I also read a lot on here (though I don't post much). I know that if I drink, I will get ill and possibly die. That's enough to keep me sober. I've gone to AA, 2 IOPs, therapy, an addiction specialist, and a psych. Nothing has worked. I put my husband through hell. Antabuse seems like it's "magic." I still have intense cravings and it angers me that I can't drink, but I keep taking that pill. My husband loves the drug. He says he feels like he doesn't have to babysit me anymore and a lot of weight has been lifted. He watches me take my pill daily. He says he's proud of me for taking it, and I say that he shouln't be proud of me, I still want to go drink.

I do really want to be sober, but the fact that the option of drinking has been pulled out from under me kind of stresses me out. I've had visions of switching my Lexapro pills with my Antabuse (they look similar), and taking those in front of him nightly so I can plan a day to drink when he's out of town in a week (yes, I know Antabuse can stay in my system for 14 days so I'm out of time there, but I still envision it for the future).

I do plan to do another IOP once I'm out of school in June, but what if after several months of sobriety, I decide I'll just keep using Antabuse and not do the IOP. The truth is that I hate AA meetings and rehab meetings. I hate the "homework" that's involved. I just want to stop drinking and have that be the end of it. I know that it's in my best interest to go. I'm already planning on drinking once I have a year sober, so obviously I need more than just a pill.

I'm rambling. I know I am. The truth is that at 11 days, I have more sober time than I've had since giving birth 2 and 1/2 years ago. I'm not feeling proud or excited. I just feel like I'm going to go on taking that pill and not drinking without taking any joy in sobriety. I hope that feeling goes away after a while. Will it?

Am I cheating?

Thanks everyone for reading.