Shootingstar, I'll read the books you provided, and everyone who replied, it means so much to me and I am grateful, but I am experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance on this and how the h@ll do I get over that? The trust is gone, completely. I even figured, most of you sweet souls must be bots, controlled by the government, but I see how warped that is, yet it leaves me with disease. That I suspect more kindness in bots than in my fellow men I meet day to day. It scares me, that the world and its inhabitants are so frightening to me but that's what they taught me. My life is like a bad lifetime-movie which just doesn't end. Not happily anyway.
I know my mom loves me in her way. She just isn't capable of anything beyond what her parents taught her and unable to face her own demons, it's easier for her to lie to herself and everyone around her, and that's not just sad for me, I cry for her pain as well. My dad, he's my hero, in a strange way. I saw him shed a couple tears today and it broke the shards of my heart. At least he taught me to fight for what I love, which is why I'm still here, fighting for my old dog who just lost his left eye to glaucoma, and will lose his other in a short while, he needs me to look out for him. My horse is 80 yrs in human years, been through a lot, been a sports utility, loved, abandoned, had his back broken, but still carries me and protects his women with the pride that comes with the territory, and I'm afraid my mom won't want him around and have him butchered if I bail out. My other pony is only 4 yrs old, but loves me so much, she calls out whenever she sees me, I couldn't possibly abandon her, if you saw her, you would feel the same, she lights up every place she goes. Yah I am one of those people who thinks of their pets as their own flesh and blood, because they damn near are.
ShootingStar, I know it's mostly THEIR hate I have internalized but if all others hate me so much, are they not right?
I know I'm really sensitive to all this but maybe I am the one who's wrong? It's easier to accept than accepting there's so many flawed people in the world? While I know, I have been a vegetarian for 21 years now, taken in stray people and animals, speaking up for wrongs that needed to be righted (took punches for that), even quit nursing school because it wasn't up to my standards, maybe I should just conform to their standards?