Evienne, my heart goes out to you. I feel great sorrow for all the terrible things that have been done to you and that you have endured.
I believe that there is a pure spiritual being within each of us that is our core, our heart. Even though we may be damaged and desecrated externally, that pure being within us is still there and we can find it.
At some place deep within yourself, you are whole and pure and worthy. Nothing takes that away from us. Some of us just have to work harder to find it, especially if those around us have demeaned and undermined us. I was also abused, and have PTSD, and I understand where you are coming from.
From what you write, it sounds as though your self definition is not from yourself, but instead, is a recitation of your mother's warped and destructive views of who you are.
You can be free of that. You have the right to live your own life, free and straight, instead of twisting and diminishing yourself so that you fit into others' limited demeaned views of you.
When I was in a devastating 20 year marriage with an alcoholic who became more controlling, vicious, and verbally and emotionally abusive as the years went on, I gradually lost the capacity to see myself and see my life for myself. Because he was so powerful and threatening, and I wanted to please him so that he wouldn't direct his rage toward me, I began to look at life through his eyes, not my own. Then I could see how to act to prevent his rage, or so I thought.
Over time, I lost the capacity of distinguishing what I was, what I felt, what I needed from what he said I was. I wanted to stay with him because I thought that was what a loyal wife did, and if I let myself realize how damaging his behavior was toward me, I couldn't have stayed. No one could have.
It got so bad that I left suddenly and forever on July 4th, 2012. My personal Independence Day, I guess. Almost 3 years later, and with a huge amount of emotional work, I have found my soul again, and found great peace and joy. This path is available to you, too. Search on my name, and you'll find my old threads if you are interested.
There are resources for you. Reach out to your doctor and tell him or her what is going on and how you are feeling. He can probably get you counselling much sooner. Call a suicide hot line if you need to. I did once, in the middle of the night, and apologized for bothering them and taking their time when there were people who really needed them, and they said "No, it is YOU we are here for". Talk to a minister. There are people out there for you right now. Go to a center for abused women. Even if you don't have an abusive partner, you have abusive people in your life, and you qualify.
Here on SoberRecovery, there is a forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Addicts. While your mother and family members may not be alcoholic or addicted, people on this forum discuss very similar issues to what you are experiencing with family members whose behavior hurts them.
There are two books that helped me: In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine, PHD and The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes, PhD.
Evienne, my heart goes out to you, and there is help out there for you. PM me if you want,
ShootingStar1