I'm so sorry, I know I'm rambling, I know it's ptsd and I tried to wait it out, educate myself about it, but I don't have anyone to talk to, or reflect on, just my horses who light up my day just enough to find my way through. I know my boyfriend says he loves me but he doesn't understand, he just wants what all those others wanted, I'm lost, I keep trying to pretend I'm fine, I'm on a waiting list to get help and I don't want to call my dr or the hospital because they'll just take me away from all I still care about, my animals, who really deserve someone better than me, but there's no-one else for me, they're all I can hold on to for now. The longer I stay sober, the more intrusive and consuming the memories get, the less I can see a future, and society is not helping one bit, with all you sweet people on here, why can't I find people like you near me? Why do I keep running into and holding on to the wrong people, that must be on me, so I hope to feel some safety in my home, but my home will be demolished in a while, and I don't feel safe anywhere anymore.