I still went. Kind of dissociated my way through it. Went into a familiar state of not really being there. Interesting, the kind of shoes people wear to a funeral these days. Sneakers, silver glittery pumps, short skirts and stilletto heels.
My first love was there. He's my brothers', and nephews' best friend. My first real kiss, I remember it so well. He had a girlfriend at the time, but I didn't mind. No matter how little affection, it still was affection. This lasted years, from when I was 14, our last time together when I was 25, though he always had a girlfriend, it was a little glimmer of hope, to me, I always fantasized about how he would eventually start caring for me, and curse me, I still do, he still haunts me in my dreams sometimes, but he's married now, has a kid, but I felt it again today and I feel so hopeless.
And I have a boyfriend, for crying out loud, I love him, I want us to have a future together, but he doesn't know the things I let happen to me, if he knew, he would see how filthy I am, it wasn't just those men, I can't blame them really, for seeing my worth, and acting on it. My own mother saw it all this time, not worth spending time or effort on, just keeping up appearances, I get it, I can't keep fighting the obvious. I'm sorry, if I offend anybody with this, just delete.