I felt the same way for a long time. I did things because to not do them meant so much vitriol and drama. I also wanted them to see the mess I was.
Noone ever saw the mess I was - not really. Even when I fell down drunk it was just Dee having too much to drink again and another reason to demean me.
I went minimal contact with my family after I got sober.
There was a pretty fierce campaign to make me feel guilty but I resisted and I'm glad I did.
They did stop eventually. What they said about me to others was none of my business.
I have a personally chosen family of friends and loved ones who respect and value me
I still reckon there is no reason in the world why you should voluntarily put yourself in a position where you feel unsafe, angry, scared, or upset - so upset that you drank, Evienne.