just a number ....
Someone asked me how long its been since I had a drink(concerned cousin) .. I have no clue .. I thought this time; last couple times I've tried to quit, that counting was just stressing me more. I've been thinking & I can't say.
Another realization I wasn't "ready" to quit, because I've been keeping 2 times in my head .. One for "official" records & the truth. I've drank 3-4 times in the last year. In a sense it shouldn't matter; as long as I'm sober in the end.
But that whole the ends justifies the means thing is crap !!! Lying to myself in essence is just more stress & anxiety on myself. I went back & read post from 2 years ago & I'm even more saddened by my actions.
It's very difficult to see my flaws & process everything that is going on right now. I've lost loved ones, my brother has already had 2 car accidents since I been here. My father. It just seems so overwhelming to me.
But I am sober & I've had chances to drink; and I've passed. The one friend I have here is a good guy, but not the supportive type. My cousin is wrapped in her own family & there are times where she forces me "out" to her house so I'm not so isolated.
Ok, just rambling thoughts trying to get in the habit of posting more & reading more ...
Dennis
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