Hi Jaxees...welcome to SR.
Not sure if this will help you or not, but here goes.
All the information you posted above sounds exactly like the type of things I have said to justify or excuse my drinking/drugging. The reality is, I'm an alcoholic/addict, plain and simple. I can choose to continue to live (die) that way or not. I choose not to. I choose 12 step meetings, this website and sober friends in recovery instead. I also know I can't love and care for others if I can't love and care for myself first.
Keep coming back!