Okay, this is a bit scarey. Just to try and fail would be hard. I have posted my snippette on other threads but maybe it would be better here.
I realize I have not done enough soul searching or looking inward for what makes me tick.
I will write a breif life history, not to bore you all but to purge and "come clean".
I was raised in an alcoholic and severely abusive household. My parents marraige ended when I was 6-7, and my abusive alcoholic father left the family and area for a while to punish my mother. I witnessed his trying to kill her numerous times and we actually became accustomed to his bizzarre rampages and would at times laugh while he was gone about some of the things he would do. He hit all of us. When he left my mother would hit us, she did not drink daily but was the ocassional binge drinker. I have helped her vomit and clean up when I was a teenager. Needless to say, me and my siblings learned to drink early, smoke early and dabble in drug use. Luckily, we no longer smoke or use drugs, my brother seems to not have a drinking problem but my sister and I do. She won't admit it. I have been admitting it for years. I can slow down, goes days without drinking, even months and throughout pregnancies and nursing. Lately, this past month though I have been indulging in atleast 4 glasses of wine per night. I don't crave it, I just do it. I am soul searching that one.
I knew nothing about ptsd while growing up but realize surely that there has to be lingering effects of an abusive childhood.
My father left the area for close to a year, we were financially very badly off. My father accused my mother of infidelities, she still insists it didn't happen during the marriage however, she did date one man after the divorce that he accused her of seeing, and then she was involved in an affair for 23 years, until that man past away. They shared an apt together, my siblings and I were often left unattended, I was the youngest 7-8 when they got the apt. I then had to ask for her to bring us home food etc.
I also started babysitting very young, and some of these people would actually pay me in joints, I started smoking pot at 10 and then drinking at 15. I have always drank. I would like to experience life without it now.
I live with a guy at 16, then again at 19 then married at 22. Lost twins at 24 and then had two babies 15 months apart, on of those pregnancies were twins, called disappearing twin syndrome. Then another two years later, then another and another. So, 1987,89,91,95 and 2001.
I know loosing the twins was a trauma that I was not treated for, I know my childhood was a trauma that I was not treated for. I was also in an airplane with my two oldest children when we were in a tornado warning and I now know I developed pstd because of that. Just thinking about flying after that made me break out in a sweat. I started having thoughts of death and then developed panic disorder but didn't realize what that was until after my 5th pregnancy when I developed post partum hyperthyroidism. That disorder made the panic truly severe. I was told everything was all in my head for about 6 months and thought I would go mad. I was so lucking to find an endochronologist that KNEW that I wasn't loosing my mind and was put on xanax until the postpartum phase ended.
Two years ago, I found out my husband was having an affair. All the symptoms of the panic came back. I couldn't sleep, wasn't eating, felt sideways- off balance, out of body and insecure that there would be a tomorrow. He started having very expensive cases of wine sent to the house. I don't think he did this conciously but I thought he did it as a way to get me HOME. So, I wouldn't leave him. I don't drink during the day. I am very active but think that I could be so much healthier and physically fit with less alcohol consumption. He is more than an enabler, he often opens wine and brings me a glass. I have had very frank talks with him about this and do not think that he is being malicious, I truly think he loves me and thinks, it is just a little problem, a controlable problem. He has an eating disorder, I felt guilty making chocolate chip cookies the other day, but I know he hides food and doesn't eat his hgihest calorie food in our home.
Now, here's the issue.
We are truly eachothers life partners. We are in a place in life now that we both KNOW we can depend on eachother. This is how our relationship should have been so long ago.
I have finally addressed the ptsd by getting on a plane and flying with my entire family- I did take a xanax but I got on the plane. I have face down and lived through the repeatative thoughts, I am no longer obsessed about the woman he cheated with. I feel really good. I feel really loved. I see the faces of my children and knwo they also feel the harmony and appreciate it.
I guess I am looking for a way to treat the remaining symptoms of ptsd and the drinking at the same time. Can I just do it? Is reaching out here enough.
I have told numerous Drs. that I over drink and they all poo-poo it. They all say I have taken the big step by bringing it out in the open. It didn't feel like a big step to me. I don't think I use alcohol as a crutch, I don't "protect it", I think now it is just a way of life- it has just always been around.
My father did come back into my life but 4 years ago he started drinking heavily again and he became verbally abusive so I ended all contact.
My oldest daughter is almost 18 and has never drank and says she won't as does my oldest son. They see alcoholism, as both thier grandfathers are alcoholics, and I would have to label myself that even if I don't have physical addiction to it, I cartainly have an emotional addiction to it. My husbands father is a functional alcoholic, he was also in the fields of Vietnam, but he is a mans man type and I know he is treating the ptsd from that war with alcohol. I don't want any of my children to have this struggle or the self loathing that it can bring with it. I want to take control and seek out help.
I want my family and myself to benefit more from my bettering myself. I know I can't love my husband to have him loose weight, although I have tried!! But, I am hoping that he too may benefit by my seeking out help.
Does anyone have any ideas?