Welcome.
Your story brought back a ton of memories for me. I lived a similar life with my first wife... Right down to the raving and the X and the blow and the booze.
Across two continents and numerous countries.
I partied my face off for years and most of it is just fragments of memories laced with shame and regret and bewilderment that was even me.
It took me over a decade from first having an inkling I was wasting my life to finally being over a year clean and sober. I hope your path is a shorter one. I hope you embrace sobriety with everything you've got, no matter what..... The cost is so worth it. This is your life at stake, it truly is.... More than you can begin to understand right now.
We are here for you, and understand.