It seems you said somewhere in your post that you didn't know if we were entertained. Well, me? no, I wasn't. Actually I was afraid for you. And I was afraid for your kids who need their dad. but I wanted to stay with it to see where you were going with it -- what you had concluded -- where you wanted to go from here. I think much of your post was something like AA would call a drunk-a-log. along i was going, and yes, and yes, and what do you want to do?
Going into that wild ride with your wife and friends at that expensive hotel, and you going into it hoping things would go OK. I think most any of us in recovery could be safe in seeing that, in your shoes, no there was one chance in a million that that was going to go OK. That you would stay sane.
I think you have to get clear in your head what the difference between partying and living out a tragedy is. Mixing all of that stuff can . . . . and does kill. As in, like no next day to think over what you did or think about the changes you would like to make moving forward. You can't love the partying life (which you still seem to do by you thinking it was even worth sharing all of those "fun" details) and being clean and sober. One love must win. One love must lose. A house divided and all of that.
i just heard you saying I just hope my wife this, I just hope my wife that. DJ, she's not on board with what you are wanting to do. You counting on her, at this point, is, for me, incomprehensible -- even an out. This is something YOU have to do.
You are very fortunate that this life style has left you in one piece at this point.
And you have kids??? I wonder if they could see those videos that you were talking about making and for them to comprehend just how much danger their daddy was in, how they would feel. Do they understand?
My friend, you say you have plans to go to AA and such. I think you could concern yourself about any reservations you have about an HP later. Right now you need support and a new way of thinking. I hope you get serious and you get serious fast. If you don't hit the brakes hard now, who's to say how it will go the next time you "go there"?
I have been a musician and been on stage and all but not at the level like you have. Still I know the pull of it. the lifestyle. One thing I noticed: those in your profession that get clean have longer carriers, those who don't . . . don't. the career loses, the drugs and alcohol win. It happens all of the time.
You sound on the fence to me. At least you are reaching out, so good. You want some stuff, just not some other stuff. I think you will find that that will not serve. That is what we here have found. You're clean and sober or you are not. Too much of a slippery slope.
Still I remember being in deep. Even how much I tied it all in with getting on stage, even picking up my guitar. It's a long road, it sounds like you are in deep, but whether she knows it, for the sake of your family your wife needs you to show some leadership, and for crying out loud, your kids need you. Sometimes it is those that fly the highest that crash the hardest. I think it was a professional baseball player who said that blow was God's way of telling you that you make too much money. It really only takes one thing to go wrong, and you are definitely walking that narrow, crumbling ledge.
I think you will find, and it might surprise you, but even clean, safe and sober, you can still rock. And you stand a much better chance of getting to the next gig, remembering the words and everything.
Again, thanks for reaching out, and I hope to be hearing from you with good news. I'll watch for you, my friend.