Stratman hello. Sorry to come into the thread so late on. I've been reading along with you all, but felt there was so much good advice being given, I'd only be repeating... But well..here i am...
It does sound like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry about that. I also recognise a lot from my own life about abusive childhood and how that can really make the getting through life especially tough. Like othealright this thread have already let you know about themselves, I too had to give up my family to 'survive', and 20+ years on... i still have pain about that, but i wouldnt change it - ever. I am still having difficulty - why I'm a member of this forum...but I wouldn't change my decision about leaving my family behind. But ...thats something you need to work out for yourself...
I wondered of you'd tried finding a 'good' therapist? Other things can help, i know...but finding someone who can really 'get you' might be something to try? And even if you have tried, maybe try again? You know, creating for yourself a regular time every week you knew you could go to someone you trust to be heard/accompanied through some of the really difficult pain in your life?
I can see you're in Ireland. There's some good mindfulness based Core Process therapists there - not many, but some. Ttrained at depth in working through a lot of heavy childhood trauma but integrating it into living in the moment/getting through our life in the present. They're usually private so you pay, but If money's a problem, try finding one that is still a student. These type of therapists train for many years 4/5 (not just 1/2 as normal) before they start even seeing clients...so already experienced and wont charge you...and, they offer long-term work. Just a thought....
It's all such a bugger, Stratman...what crap parenting (or worse) bequeathes some of us... I send my wishes through the ether towards helping you get through...x