CarmenLove

I am posting here a lot, because it is about all I do at the moment - process the fact that my husband is an addict and now I have left.

It helps though, to post here.

What I have noticed today is I am finding it hard to fully surrender.

I don't like being defeated. Much less by something like alcohol or drugs!

I like to think of myself as a Go Getter, someone who can make extraordinary things happen in my life, so it doesn't sit well to be so powerless over this!

However, I know deep down, why would I be any different to the millions who have suffered because of addiction. Why would I be able to defeat the undefeatable? (unless of course the addict decided to defeat it).

I am no different.

And yet it's hard to let go. It's hard to stop trying and to say 'OK, I leave what happens in the hands of God'.

I still want to 'rescue' him, although I know I cannot.

I did do 2 things today, rightly or wrongly - I sent a message to his Stepdad, who is probably the most level headed in his family and who I got along with, and told him that he is still using.

I just want them to know.

If they don't believe me that is their business, but at least I have tried. I also sent an note to his Dr flagging up that I think he is using. I know they cannot talk to me because of patient confidentiality, however at least they can be aware.

Now, how to take care of me?