Hi Eli, regarding the abusive relationship, I want to echo what Carlotta said.
As for my questions last night, it isn't to make excuses.
it is to understand where it is happening so that you can identify what is happening and curb that behavior. In my women's group, we had a woman who would get 30 days and then drink. She lost her job and was about to lose her kids and it came down to fear of the steps, she was scared to death of step 4. Maybe it is something like that for you, I don't know. But you're worth it and it sounds like rehab is off the table so it is important to find out what it is.
We are all drinks but that doesn't mean we all understand each others' journey. Hang in there, keep posting. Reach out to people before you drink. Either here, or call those numbers from the women in your group.