Originally Posted by keon2156

I am 39 y/o. When I look back all those years, I was too often relying on the medication or drugs. Eaten too much food? Digestion pills. A little bit of headache? Tylenol. Can't go to sleep? Ambien. Bored? Cocaine...

I was a heavy drinker before I got married on 2010, however, I never touched a drug except for a few hits of weed during my graduate school year. After got my degree, I was successful professional, and founded my own firm. I am not a millionaire but financially stable and have a 20-month-old twins.

December - 14, I was on this random party, and a girl offered me a hit of weed. Knowing I hated the smell of pot, I refused it. She showed a bag of white powder and offered me a line of coke. Have always been curious and also bored in general about repetitious daily life, I tried it. But I was too drunk to feel anything. That girl offered me to keep the rest of the coke and asked $200. I simply had a attitude like "whatever." I took the bag, put it my brief case and forgot about it.


Having insomnia for several years, I go to bed late - like 2 am. But my wife and babies go to bed at around 9pm. I usually watch movies, check my busy emails, read books, play video games or etc for 3-4 hours and take Ambien to go to sleep.

But suddenly, I was too bored at nights. Everyone else in my family is sleeping and it's not that I can go out every night because my wife is just exhausted for taking care of twins during the day, and frequently needs me during the night.

About 11pm, 12/28/14, I realized I have "some" leftovers from the other night. I didn't even know how to make a line or chop the coke.

I thought about all those movies where people were snorting. I was able to manage to make a line with my Vons card, and snorted it.

Since then til now 3/29/15, I spent nearly $10,000 for doing the coke nearly every other day. I diligently did a lot of research and was glad to find that cocaine is not physically addictive. Maybe true. But it was that 'psychological addiction' that was so strong. I started to doing endless lines all night and go to work without sleep. Since I am the boss at the work with the big office room, I closed the door and told my secretary not to transfer any calls or visitors, told my associates that he could leave early, and keep doing the lines until I got home in the evening.

I tried to stay away from it for about 3 days (Friday thru Sunday), however, when I returned to work on Monday and confronted a stressful nature of my job, I sent the text to my dealer to bring the ball of the best stuff he can get.

I ended up doing the lines and working at the same time for the past few weeks.

I can notice my nose are being messed up. I don't see my friends as often as I used to. I lied to my wife about the diminished paycheck. I became more sexual when I was high - asked my female secretary to join me one day and almost slept with her in my office.

My tolerance was built up pretty crazy. A regular cut ball would not give enough high, and started to ask the dealer to bring only "uncut" coke for the higher price.

Yesterday, I was doing a line in the bathroom while my twins were playing in the living room ---- until 3am. But couldn't still feel the enough high. Left nostril started to give some bleeding but I used the other one. Finally got into the point "why am I doing this?"

I flushed out about a gram that was left on my ipad. Swore that I won't do it again. However, I know my drug-dependant personality and that severely stressful phone calls from the clients will give me another challenging craving.

Please help and provide me with some advice. It is that "mental" or "psychological" craving (thanks to all those scholarly articles for assessing "low" addiction liability to coke) that I cannot cope with. I researched virtually every drug-related forums and rehap sites for how-to. However, it is just hard to quit cold-turkey, or endure that very moment when I "need" coke.

Best,

From Los Angeles.