Originally Posted by samseb5351

Great observations and Mindfulness
After my stint in Rehab 10 years ago, I can remember when my wife went overseas, she had set me up with only a small amount of cash and most other bills had been paid AUTO and food was to be purchased using supermarket vouchers. Just before she left to protect herself from the deep feeling of disappointment she had endured 100s of times before with my broken promises and deceit around my gambling, she told me "you know while I am gone I expect that you will gamble". I was angry at this suggestion, which is classic reaction from a freshly recovered addict.
I remember sitting in the food-court at the local Mall and the idea "that my wife expected me to gamble" popped in my head. It had been four months since my last bet, but with that thought in my head I started to rationalize the idea that gambling was about to occur. I remember the pre -euphoric state and planning towards taking a bet. You kind of get giddy with excitement, and in my past When I got to the point of the "gambling decision" nothing was going to stop me. But something did stop me that day, it was a couple of things actually and its not easy to pin point exactly what happened. Probably through mindfulness practice (I am not really sure) I got an intrusive thought that the bottom line of gambling again was going to result in my Death. In the past these, seeing the final results kind of thoughts were always flicked away and ignored. This time I had just enough reality to be frightened of the consequences. I sat there simultaneously darting from yes to no in my head, until eventually I actually found enough resolve to hold of my decision to gamble.
Being in the pulsating, heart pumping, physical giddy state meant a huge feeling of disappointment, in some respects it didn't feel like Me making an empowered decision, But like a self aware intervention. I was almost tantrum like in my head, the disappointment was palpable. I went home still with my money in my pocket, and reflected on what actually happened, the giddy feelings subsided and I actually for the first time could see that I had more choice in my decisions than I had originally thought.
That was a long time ago now and I haven't gambled since, and over the years I attached all sorts of meaning to that experience, from ""intervention from God" in my spiritual recovery days to dumb luck to ego expression. Today it just seems like it was small realization that we can and do override our decisions all the time.