Jessica, CW, thank you. 2 simple words that are used so often and their meaning therefore can become minimized I feel. But I truly mean it from the very core and with complete sincerety and gratefullness. I don't know how else to say it right now.
I wrote out my feelings on paper as planned, trying my best to clear things up in my own head, state them, think of different things he might say and my thoughts on them...that was Monday. Tuesday I took a break but read my courage to change book a little bit and still thought. Went to sleep my pager woke me about 10p but I didn't call it, went back to sleep. Last night after getting done with things, I sat with the dog a bit and tried to calm myself and prepare to just call him last night. I think it was helpful to write out my thoughts but I feel I still will never be truly prepared, so I need to just do it. Well, here he stopped over at my mom's, he was on the porch, someone across the way waiting in a car had brought him. Said he'd been trying to call since the next day after our brief conversation Friday noted in last post, even had his mom try. I honestly never got those calls, just the one Tuesday night I just mentioned. Don't know if he believes me, about that or that I planned to call him. I don't know if I would believe me either, sounds suspicious but it's the truth. There was a night it was off, but that's it. Otherwise it will say missed call, etc. plus I had turned my voicemail on. He says it doesn't come on. Oh well anyway....it just bothers me a little that it seems I was hiding. In a way, I was not ready to deal yet though. But I had/have resolved that it must be done and was eager to just do it. Still bothers me though, that he'd been calling, I wish I just would have called earlier. There's other ways he could have reached me too though (vm at work, letter in the self addressed stamped envelope, hard as it may be for him to do as he says, he could have) Well, "under the bridge" as it goes..and not the main subject at hand anyway in this whole situation.
Either way, after tonight I should know where he stands on whether he will agree for me to live there and him not, at least not now or for a while. I am very nervous. I think what bothers me most is, the fear of him (especially), and/or his family/friends whoever, thinking that I am being cold and selfish, running away, quitting....I just don't know if I'll have all the right responses to that. Those things are the last things I want to be, and they're not where I am coming from or where my mind and heart are at - and I hate the thought of being "seen" as being those things. I feel right now, that this is me "not quitting" and that this is the ONLY chance that things would work out in the future, if they would which IS what I would want. But this must not be my reason. The main reason must remain that I need to be able to live in peace and with what's happened I do not see that being able to happen with him there. I have no reason to truly believe (except in denial) that his demeanor right now would last and things would not return to their progressive state of mind and action or lack thereof - and that goes for me or him. I'm sick - I see it lately more than ever - and I know I need to change or I'll get even worse. And it won't be helping him out any either if things go back how they were.
He says we have to talk, have to do something and that is true. I told him I know and I am wanting to finish our converationtoo, but to also read that letter again, that I pretty much told him my feelings in that. He said he has hardly stayed at house either (i believe that he doesn't really like staying there alone). And he said and where are the animals this isn't their fault (ok hello i am not punishing the animals and no i know it's not their fault - I want to go home with them there but not with you there helllloooo) I briefly mentioned I do want to go home but not with you there now. I don't know he might not have heard i wasn't talking very loud. Anway, it'll all come out tonight. I hope I stay clear. It's very hard to do and like I said I'm so worried about how my thoughts and plan of action will be taken/perceived. But I know I must let go of that. I must just have faith and keep it from the heart and that's all I can do. The rest is out of my hands. Still scary though, still nervous. Still want to go home and everything be happy but....still mustn't turn back. I need to keep my resolve. It's hard to do, talking to him, seeing him, worrying too a bit...to a lot...he seems miserable as me. He doesn't look so good either, like me.
I love him so much, I really do. But you know what I remember all the BS too and neither me, or the animals, must deal with that anymore. If the good stuff can come back someday great. But I will no longer be party or allow the animals to be party, to the bad stuff. That's that. Gotta remember that, because that is reality and I don't want it to be my reality ANY MORE. or the animals. He misses them too and I wonder if he thinks I'm "punishing" him with that. Well, I'm not. Down the road if things go right he can come visit them. But it won't go back to the way it was.
I have to keep the belief that I can't turn back. I don't feel great about it but what else is there besides either not turning back, or turning back....neither feels good right now, but one of them, I feel I can at least somewhat predict the outcome and it's not good so....gotta go with door number 2 I guess and hope and pray for the best. I wish it could be what I want, which would be that down the road we would be together again, but healthy and him in recovery and me not so sick anymore. But unfortunately well I know it's not my show.
Well I better go. I think I need to just think of something else right now, feeling too anxious. Well, just pray for me I guess, or send good thoughts, whatever I'll take anything, anything will help. I'll be praying today for guidance, clarity, communication skills, and that he'll understand or at least know the truth of where I'm coming from, and that things will carry on peacefully and won't have to go any further on a bad road...
***THANK YOU***
Cloudy