Update:
I’m 29 days sober today. This is not the longest I’ve been sober in the past 7 years, but it is the most calm I’ve ever felt. No cravings for the past 10 days at least – walking by the huge alcohol isle in the supermarket creates zero emotion for me. I see (and inevitably hear) drunk people on the streets on Fridays and Saturdays, but feel no need or wish to be part of the pack.
My brain has regained its sharpness. While I don’t know is this is the best it will get, it sure feels nice to be able to engage in complicated and unfamiliar tasks at work without the sluggishness and brain fog that was there beforehand.
One thing I’ve done differently from previous tries at sobriety, is taking a tea-spoon of cod liver oil every day and I do feel it has given me more energy to go about my daily business.
I look forward to the future and don’t dread it. Plans form in my mind and I feel now the motivation to carry them out one by one.
I am calm with the fact that I’m an addict – addiction changes nothing about my personality, ability or chances of finding success, unless I let it beat me.
Some thoughts (especially for younger people who come to SR):
These are just my own thoughts and my perception, what I’ve experienced and how it has affected me – neither is this rooted in rigorous scientific research nor should the following be taken as sure-fire advice that works 100% of the time.
Since I like reflecting on things, I thought I’d do a Sunday morning writing session here on SR. The weather outside is dark and gloomy, but I have a warm cup of tea, my head isn't throbbing from a hangover and I feel like writing for reasons other than work
I’m 25. I have my whole life ahead of me, but I have been destroying it without fail for the past 7 years (with one exception of 9 months of sobriety for academic reasons) by poisoning my mind and heart with alcohol. During this time, I’ve lost friends, girlfriends, academic opportunities, the little money I had, large swathes of my self-respect and the worst – my calm. But right now, I’m writing from a good place.
When I first came to SR, I was overcome with the support I received and I am deeply grateful for this to everyone who offered help. But (and I hope no one is offended by this, because it is not meant in that way!) I also soon noticed that the people giving advice are much older than me. Which is great, because as far as addictions go, experience is the best teacher. With this said – a 20 something does not yet possess all of that knowledge – and we all sincerely hope they never will. Telling a 25-year-old that he or she can NEVER do something EVER again (drinking, drugging) feels like it’s detrimental to the initial recovery process. While it is absolutely true, it is not perceived as such by the recipient. At least, that was the case with me. There is a significant difference to the meaning of ‘never’ for 20-year-olds and someone who is close to 50.
For the longest time, what put off the start of my recovery and kept my boozing going, was the inability to change the thought process that went along with alcohol. I would not and, at times, simply could not accept that I will never be able to take another drink again. And, to be honest, I still haven’t accepted that particular notion. What’s different, is that it does not bother me, because I can do whatever I want, really. I can dye my hair bright red, I can walk down the street completely naked and as such, I can also drink. The question is, do I want to?
For me, it now comes down to the consequences of my actions. And it’s ironic that, for a drinker, regardless of age, 25 times of being so drunk out of your mind that you do not control your speech and deeds is not sufficient enough to make the change. BUT that one time, when you were drinking, didn’t offend anyone all that much, didn’t pass out and the hangover wasn’t all that bad is more than enough to reinforce the thought that you can pick up the bottle with no horrible consequences in sight. So here’s a non-exhaustive list of consequences that, if acceptable for you, makes abusing alcohol ‘your thing’:
• Languishing in bed, mentally paralysed from a night of heavy drinking. The room smells like something died there. That’s also how you most likely feel – like death warmed up.
• Dreading that small indicator light on your silenced phone. Why? Because you only have a vague recollection of who you called, texted or messaged last night. There’s probably some stupid status update somewhere on your social media account as well.
• The feelings of guilt, shame and disappointment, because you once again had a choice to make at the bar. Every cell in your body is telling you that you made the wrong one. But this feeling fades away, right?
• Wondering where you’re going to get the money to buy food, because those ‘hotties’ at the bar were really worth spending half of your pay. They didn’t come home with you, because you got way too drunk and probably have no memory of ever arriving there yourself. Optional alternative – there is someone lying next to you, but he or she is not actually the person you’d like to be lying there. That person has left you.
• Drunk or sober, you have no energy to do the things you get genuine enjoyment from. Going to lectures is for nerds, right? You can always call in sick at work, right?
• The concept of ‘self-respect’ has eluded you for a while now. Since the world is unfair, has dealt you a bad hand, then it is obviously the world who’s to blame for all this mayhem that seemingly never ceases to surround you. If only you could figure out a way to get back at the world …
• You cannot remember the last time you laughed without a bottle in your hand. That only happens when you’re out drinking. Weirdly enough, crying comes more easily now without a bottle in your hand.
• Planning your future is something not worth spending time on. You live in the moment, right? You take yourself to the edge of knowledge and have adventures daily … Even though you’re actually just sitting alone on your balcony with a cocktail in your hand, listening to sad songs and dreaming about ‘what could be’.
• You want others to recognise you for the great, fun-loving, respectable person that you truly are. Somehow they don’t believe you (or in you) anymore. This baffles you to an extent, but is no reason for any real concern. You can always change. Tomorrow.
If the aforementioned is totally OK for you and causes you no anguish, then I suggest you go and have a beer. If this made you look at your current situation, knowing there are others out there willing to share their experience and offer help, then SR is the place to be
Having said all this, I recognise my own humanity. I no longer feel the need to make a promise of ‘Never drinking again!’ to the world and everyone around, simply due to the unnecessary pressure it would put on me (and it has failed me in the past). Who are you going to be sober for? Someone else or yourself? This is not to say that I am not an addict – I am.
But this doesn’t bother me. My brain is wired a bit differently from those that do not take so easily to alcohol and other drugs. This is a physiological fact that needs no mulling over. It is what it is. And therefore, even though I cannot control when a craving will be triggered, I can arm myself with the most effective tools of countering those cravings. When I feel the notion of ‘I think it’s okay to drink now, I’ve been sober long enough’ at some point, I can always play the tape through. Revisit my memories and experience, the consequences alcohol entails. And then no longer feel the want to drink. I’m not powerless before alcohol or any other drug. I am a resilient, adaptive and intelligent being. And so are all of you!
Learn to love yourself first and foremost. Everything and everyone else will follow. And when you do, alcohol simply won’t have room in your life anymore. The effect of NEVER is neutralised and alcohol becomes more of a non-issue with every passing day.
Thanks for reading!