Hi. Sometimes things don't work out the way we thought they would and we deserve better.
My only advice (And I know where you are coming from) is to start a journal so you can see the patterns and your responses over time, make a plan to be a good woman to you and know your rights. Share none of this with friends and family until you are ready. Take 6 months, take a year to watch and learn from how you live your life and how others treat you.
You can't make any decisions when your drunk and uninformed.
Only you can treat you better. This is your life.
Nothing to do with him.
Plan for change and things will start to improve. Without a plan nothing changes.
Mothers grow and nurture children who then grow up and hopefully teach others the good things they learnt growing up. Never belittle the work you have done in setting four people up for life.
Take care.