Help please
Right now my situation feels hopeless. I'm almost 50 and have been nothing but a mom for all of my adult life. I have no college education or skills. Honestly, I love my husband and try so hard to be a good wife, but I think he is very controlling and maybe even emotionally abusive. Tonight he called me an insubordinate bitch because I spent $20 extra dollars without asking permission (he makes $120,000 a year but I am on a strict budget). I always pay him back from my household budget if I happen to need an extra $20 or $40 a month. I feel shame and guilt for not being a good wife. And I also feel a little like it is unreasonable? I could use some insight I guess because I'm starting to feel crazy. He yells at me. Calls me horrible names. I can't do anything right. I'm walking on eggshells. And I have a problem with depression and alcohol, and have lupus. So I'm a mess anyway. I can't get divorced because with my lupus and no education and only being a mom of 4 for 26 years I have no skills to offer and no way to support myself. But he is an alcoholic too, even tho he doesn't see it, and staying in this situation truly takes at least 2 to 3 glasses of wine a night. If I leave, I'll be homeless. And my youngest son graduates next year. If I stay, I will continue to die inside a little more each day. Or the amount of alcohol I have to drink to cope will kill me. I keep trying to find a balance. Just a little alcohol. Enough to cope. But I drink to blackout. I do back flips to please him and be a good wife but he gets so drunk and mean. Things he says and does can't be taken back. I feel hopeless. No matter which stance I take I will ultimately die somehow. How can I get sober under these conditions? Please help me.