Hi EL
I was wondering if you have ever read, received therapy or identified with others around the issue of "Shame". Perhaps you should look into that, there is plenty written on the subject, and for me although I don't always agree about peoples ideas of the origins of "shame" It can be very helpful to recognize it as a set of personal thoughts and emotions that have a terrible paralyzing affect when it comes to living a healthy, rich and robust life.
Take Care