You know this post triggered so much pain in me that I'm at work and all I can do is sit here and cry.
I realize that almost everything inside me has "died". I have no need, I choose to love with my head not my heart. I've searched for God's love for many many years and have not found it yet. I keep wondering in this desert. I realized that the part of me that has been waiting for God is about to die. I hold on to it with every once of strength I have, but I am almost ready to give up. Which might be a good thing, I don't know. He can love me without my help.
There are a lot of dead parts of me that will have to be brought back to life before I'm able to accept or even need anything. There is no void, there is no need. When I say I can't do it that God will have to do it I'm saying that there is no spiritual connection. Not in the love department. I hear him and I learn from him, but I cannot accept love. That part of me is gone. I am powerless and too damaged. I've been beaten to death.
I usually know better than to post when I feel this way because in a couple of days I will probably understand better, but when Searching said I have a deeper spiritual connection I knew my communication came out wrong. I've been through this death experience about 45 times with different parts of who I am. So I will step one myself and know that only a power greater than myself can restore me to anything.
Hugs and sorry for being so morbid and depressing. This too shall pass.
MG