I, too could have written this post.
I sent in divorce paperwork to start the process today. Why?
Because I have finally decided that there is not going to BE an end to the gaslighting, stonewalling, lying, or excuses.
I no longer believe I am in love with my husband. I love him, and I do believe a part of him wants to be clean, sober & "normal". But the biggest & most dominant part of him does not, & will not, take the steps necessary to get there.
I am tired of being taken for granted & taken advantage of, & you I'm sure are as well.
My only advice would be to sit back & decide whether you can still be yourself while married to your husband.
I have lost too much of myself to mine & I'm not willing to do it anymore, because I HATE who I am with him now. Sadly the person I married must have been a facade, romance, good times & all.
Big huge hugs. I understand completely.