How does it really start?
I've been trying to figure out the reasons I've descended into alcoholism over the past couple of weeks, and it's just not really making much sense to me. I read about people who have experienced something traumatic in their lives, whether it be abuse or a sexual assault or maybe their parents were addicts and neglected them as a child, or any one of a number of things. All I know is that none of that happened to me. I've had an excellent childhood, a great upbringing, two parents that are still together today and, although they had their challenges, provided a great life for me. I never felt neglected, was never abused, wasn't bullied in school, wasn't anything. Why, then, did I spiral down this path?
I've come to the conclusion that trying to explain my alcoholism is far too big; far too broad to effectively explain or even understand. It's omnipresent. Growing up, alcohol was everywhere in my life, after I started drinking at 18 years old I suppose I was both aware of it and unaware of it at the same time. I don't know when the line was crossed, when I transitioned from being a social drinker (was I ever a social drinker?) into someone who depends on it to have fun, and then later into someone who just depends on it.. and even later to someone who can't seem to live without it. There are no lines in the sand explaining where you are in the process.. like running a marathon and passing the 1 mile, 5 mile, 10 mile markers to give your internal compass a sort of bearing of where you are in the big picture. It's so blurred and abstract.
I guess for me there was no single moment, no physiological event that pushed me from stage to stage. It's been a slow, gradual, insidious, elusive becoming that makes me unsure of everything except for one thing: that I have become addicted to alcohol.
I'm wondering if anyone else has thought about this? And if so, was it the result of a single experience in life.. or maybe the process was like mine?