cloudy

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you know before, I kept thinking "just hang on and keep doing Alanon and everything will be ok and the miracle will happen" well Alanon is helping me a lot, although it's not happening the way I wanted, not going the road I wanted. I wasn't even ready to make this huge jump at all...it was all too fast, too fast. But I have been told God was doing for me what I couldn't do, and I've been told each thing/step is temporary, shall pass, etc.

how have i been doing. well, it's been hard. I've had to really fight myself wanting to run back home and back to him. But I know I can not turn back. Especially after the state things got to. If I turn back it might feel good for a little while but then I have to face it'd probably go back and get even worse, and i might as well be throwing me, and him, in the trash. But it is hard because I love him so much, and what things "used to be" and it's hard to accept reality right now. But I have to.

And I have to change. That's all I've got to go on right now, that's it. I just know I have to change. Don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong, don't know what to do, but I have to change. And it indeed does take courage and i'm only holding up from support by others such as here and alanon. I don't like it at all. It feels horrible, it hurts, I'm homesick, lovesick, and I am forcing myself to not do what I want to do. And only on the notion that this is what I must do....and hoping it's right.

I still don't think I'm doing such a great job accepting reality. I don't want it to be over between us. But I have to say to myself that, for right now, I can not live with him. And if I have to keep it just at that level of separation for now so be it. These have been the most days we have not talked to eachother all these years. I hate it. Don't know what he's doing, I did pick up the phone Friday after alanon he'd been calling about since the time it gets out. However I had stayed to talk afterwards as I needed it very much.

I answered the phone when I got out it was him he said he is miserable and wants me to come home, loves me), hates having me out of his life, misses me and the animals etc. what does this letter mean etc. He was drunk though. I told him I am miserable too and just drag myself to work every day and cry a lot and I love him with all my heart but I can't come home right now and we'll have to talk about the rest when he is not drunk but know that I love him. He said he'd been calling hotlines all week and his old aa numbers and was going to a meeting tomorrow (this past saturday).

So I figured he'd call me sober after that or something well I have not heard from him. So now I'm all nervous because see this letter said a lot of emotional stuff from me. Basically how much I love him and how I want the past to come up here to the present and future and I hate this and am so miserable but it has to stop and I think he should go. And would he please sign the form (quit claim) with a notary (i have it would have to take or send to him) and please let me know by friday well that friday was the one i'm talking about now. and he should have got it monday but said he'd just got it 2 days ago (i don't know if he's always staying at the house or not, don't know).

So now, I guess I have to call him to make it clear what I'm saying, which is extremely difficult for me because it goes against my natural feelings but i feel i must do it, and have to tell him i want him to leave. If I don't have an answer from him, I'll remain stuck. And there's pressure that I need to make a move in some direction soon, I've been out of there 2 weeks now and if it does have to turn legal (please God no....) then I need to know it.

If I write another letter who knows how long that could take, but if I call him I fear I will mess up, cave, everything. I started writing down my thoughts as well as some things i thought he might say and how would i respond to that so as to go againt what i want to happen (which i have to accept is probably not realistic for more than a short period of time) and what i must do. I got stuck. So I froze.

I called some alanoners one said stop worrying about what he'll say just say what's there and don't be wishy washy (which i am right now) it's gotta be clear or he won't know, stick to your guns. The other said write it out, write out some things you think he'd say and your response etc (basically what i had started doing) and I said yeah i started doing that, got stuck but will keep trying.

So what I came away with was bascially, I need to get it clear in my head before I can make it clear without faltering. So tonight I am going to just sit myself down and put my thoughts on paper, and hope I come up clear.

I think the problem is that, this whole thing is not what I want, so that's why i'm wishy washy. It's more what I think I must do, for me to get better. And also must stop allowing things to continue on that path. (which affects me as well, and him too)

So, just pray for me please, the serenity prayer I guess it really fits right now. I miss him. But I have to be brave and strong and do the opposite of what I want to do....but from my heart. That won't change it'll still be from my heart but I have to be firm or I might get walked on. I'm in sappy stage right now about things. Have to remember as one person said, how I felt the moment I left, why I left. That feeling was so strong it had me leaving. Which for me, took a lot to have me leave out of there, never wanted to do that, ever. I need to remind myself of the bad things right now, seems strange to tell myself to think of bad things, but...otherwise I'm focusing on all the things, the sappy good things that i miss. but i must remember i've missed some of those things even before all this...and plus some now after...it hurts so..maybe i need to remember some bad things to put me on track.

Well thanks for listening. It's long I know, and it's only the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts. I have so much inside so many thoughts, feelings, it'd take forever to write it all out. Please pray for me for guidance, because my feet and heart want to go one road, but my mind knows i must go the other, and it hurts. But i know if there's any chance at all for us, it must change. And this doesn't even mean we'll ever get back to being healthy. And that's hard for me to accept right now. Yet I have to go on that road anyway, for the other road will only be ruin anyway, and that too is hard to accept right now.

Serenity prayer 3 big parts - accept, courage, wisdom.....thanks sincerely

CLOUDY