I am really feeling like "popping the escape hatch" today. Since Monday I have had drinking using dreams. Monday night I ate at least 10 valium over the corse of my dream, then last night I could taste the draft beer. The dreams never got to the "after" relapse mode which I know is horrible.
Now in real life, I made a big mistake. Monday I skipped therapy (was going to do a walk in but I procrastinate
) Went to my ex's place to pick up some documents final documents for our divorce, and then pick up the last of my stuff. It has been 4 months since she kicked me out for relapsing (I understand fully), and she is saying everything is clear and we are finished etc. Then, she says "Well I guess you are officially moved out now, it's actually pretty sad."
PAUSE, then goes on to say "You wanna go for one last roll in the hay before you leave?" Or something to that effect. Guess what idiot me did!? So for the past two days I have felt horrible! Confused! Ugh.
Now I am starting to entertain the idea that I need to have a rebound relationship to really move on. I am scared I might get sucked back in, and I cannot. It's like trying to get sober while living in a bar, not likely possible, and if it is, life would suck! We ended for a reason, and now I feel a new me with a real op to stay sober.
I dunno if this is my AV starting to poke its ugly head through trying to distract myself from real recovery. I could not have foreseen this at 3+ months.
At least I start my group therapy this afternoon.
Thanks for letting me vent. I just have to question my motives sometimes like is it me or the AV?
Strangely I feel a bit better just getting this out.
Justin