Struggling with husband's addiction
My story: my husband has been sober for a little over 60 days now. We have been married for 5 and together for over 10 years. I love my husband. He is bright, funny, charming and charismatic. He's well educated and I have always enjoyed the company of his brilliant mind. He is truly my best friend and we share the same passion for most things in life. He has a thirst for knowledge and refinement of a gentleman. My husband is a wonderful man....when he is sober. All of our friends and most of our family know this man and love him like I do. They do not know the other part of his life that he has shown me in recent years. This other man is also my husband. He is dependent on opiates, shoots up morphine, mean, spiteful, resentful, verbally abusive, a liar, manipulative, depressed, angry and doesn't like himself. He spends most days sleeping and when he does wake to eat, he watches tv and drowns out the noises and life going on around him. Sometimes he also gorges himself with food to the point of him gaining almost 100 pounds. He forgets about everyone else and dips into a depression so deep, he only sees himself and his problems. He's selfish and needy during these times, he steals from work, from family and would lie through his teeth to make you believe him. Because of his education and background, he is quite believable and comes off as telling the truth. These 2 entirely different men are my husband. Finding out he had an addiction after many years of being together was a rude awakening. He had always seemed so put together and being so educated, I believed he was taking his prescription medicine for his back responsibly. I was always worried about other things that seem not important now. I had confronted him a few times before it got really bad to where he lost his job. I warned him and I warned that I would leave if he could not stop. He kept going. Finally he ended up losing his job. It hasn't been so much the addiction that has put us to where we are now but the lies upon lies that I realize were going on for years. The manipulation that he was the sane one and that I was the insane one in the relationship has worn on me. For years I believed he was lying about other women in his life and he would continually break up with me over it while we dated. He finally bucked up and made an honest man out of himself by marrying me after countless break ups and makeups. Finally, I had won him over be it with my charm or my personality or that I would take care of him to the best of my ability and that I would make an excellent mother. I utterly loved him. I still do love him. This whole journey has made it difficult to move on. We are separated and considering divorce now. He tells me he deserves better, I abandoned him during his time of need, I haven't been supportive and he has been all alone in his fight for sobriety. So far in the time that I found out he had a problem (a little over a year) he has relapsed and gone through IOP twice. I can't help but feel I failed my husband. Why could I not be by his side holding his hand like I promised? Why could I not forgive all the mean and hateful things he told me in his deepest despair, sadness and addiction? Why did I finally leave and say enough is enough?! I struggle every day with the choice that I could not stick around and watch my husband killing himself. That now he's clean and everything should be fine. Why could I not be the dutiful wife who stays no matter what? I'm so tired of this whole process and I'm wondering why this had to happen to us when we seemed so full of love. Some days I envision myself running back to him like I did during our breakups. Like a beautiful love story where I jump into his arms and magically everything turns out okay. Other days I am so angry at him and see him for the snake in the grass he can be. It's not that I don't want my husband back but my fear that I will not get the things out of life that I deserve. After putting my husband first for so many years, I decided to take action and put myself first. I just hope I am making the right choice by sticking with this separation and possibility of divorce. Any advice is appreciated.