Wish depression had an off switch...
I really do.
Friday the 13th here has been a bad day from start to finish.
As some of you know, I'm nearly 3 weeks sober after relapsing, had been sober since July last year until recently.
After a few months sober and before my relapse I saw my doctor as I couldn't sleep at night, suffering from anxiety and generally feeling pretty awful.
As I said to my doc, I thought it should get better with sober time but my sleeping just got worse. I had some pretty bad neuropathic pain in feet and lower legs which was attributed to alcoholic damage to nerves after so long drinking ( I hammered it pretty hard for the last 15 years or so).
Was given gabapentin and amitriptylene which just made me feel like a zombie.
Now on mirtazapine as an antidepressant but have huge mood swings and today I felt the darkness closing in for no apparent reason, but couldn't stop it.
Argued with my partner for no particular reason but she ended up in tears and rightly upset, I was being awful.
Can't face being around anyone and I'm just so glad that her and the kids are in bed, and I get some time to myself. If it wasn't for worrying about how my partner and the kids would feel, I could quite happily just take myself off somewhere for a few days. I never did a residential detox as I didn't want the disruption at home but I can't help feeling I've bitten off more than I can chew with sobriety.
I've gone this far with very little support, can't even get to an AA meeting due to kids and work.
My partner doesn't appreciate how hard I fight this, all day every day... I can't expect her to but she seems to be under the impression that once you stop drinking, you're better and it's all fixed. Doesnt work like that for me...
I just feel so low and can't seem to get out of the rut.
Sorry for the long post, need to vent and I feel so trapped.