I had set our marriage counseling session this Wednesday as an important event. My RAH was supposed to see a MD about his impotence. Yesterday morning he sent me a text that I would likely be too tired from my trip so he had rescheduled our counseling to 4/8. The impotence is just one piece of his emotional detachment issues. I am pretty sure he has not gone to the MD. Nothing is changing in our roommate life. I am disappointed but not particularly surprised to see him not deal - again.
Reading and re-reading that text, I really wanted to be mad that he would actually push all of this back. But he was right that I was exhausted by 7 PM last night. He should have asked me, but I think he knows the import I have on him getting a handle on his emotional issues. He sort of holds our future in his hands between his addiction and lack of intimacy, so what is a few more weeks?
We are leaving this weekend for a small spring break trip and returning home without our kid, so we will have some alone time to talk.
On the drive home, I think I am going to point out to him how I have been changing some of my responses and where I am at. Some comments he has made to me lately made me realize he anticipates my Codie trip outs to such an extent that he may not have noticed that they are not occurring or are quite stunted or I manage to stop right away when he points out I am tripping out. I think I might also review my continued failing at contempt and criticism when I communicate with him. I think this is as close to a Step 9 amends that I can get with him.
As for speaking up about how lonely I am in my marriage, I don't know if I feel safe talking about that outside of the counseling arena because I've stated that complaint many times and it is not heard. My truths are often dismissed by RAH. I don't think he sees the reality that I am close to separation. If our relationship is dead physically and he doesn't want to reconnect and rebuild, then I'd rather work on a new relationship where we parent our DS and are congenial friends since we have no family to rely on locally. We are going to need to work together even if we aren't together. So I will hopefully hold my tongue on my weariness and loneliness.
As for my amends to myself, I think I might write myself some letters. I often discover a lot when I write. Things just pour out.
Today I am a little down I wanted Step 9 to be an easy release and it seems a struggle to let go thus far.