hi there, I am new to this website! I don't want to come across as self indulgent and selfish by posting this but I need help desperately as I believe I have hit rock bottom and have only just come to realise this, even though my cycle of binge drinking and blacking out each time I go out has continued for a while. I wake up every morning after a night out not knowing who I was with, how I got home or whether I did anything completely stupid the night before. But I'm addicted, I use alcohol to take me away from my sober problems and put me in a fantasy world where suddenly my problems seem less significant and I am outgoing and lively. Once I start drinking, I can't stop.
I think it all stemmed from when I was spiked at a club 3 years ago, when I used to be able to control my alcohol intake. That night I was unfortunately raped and ever since then alcohol seems like an escape, something that is there for me to help deal with what happened. Even though, in hindsight, it's doing the complete opposite. Then it happened again. And now I just can't control myself at all. I think about the next time I'm going to go out and get wasted everyday, and then the morning after I've blacked out and done stupidly embarrassing self destructive things I feel ashamed of myself, and have a lack of motivation to do anything. I have been in and out of depression for a while and the only time I feel happy is when I get wasted, even though I know I will be full of self hate the next day. Anxiety is also something that has had a major impact on my life.
I've had so many people telling me I need to look after myself, but I just brush it off and believe that it's something everyone does. Even though I know full well they don't.
I can't do this anymore and I know that if I am ever going to forgive myself for the past few years, I need to get sober, sort myself out, get fit and eat well. Then maybe I'll stop using alcohol to help me get through my problems. I'm sorry about this long post, I just feel lost and ashamed of myself and I have finally admitted to myself and my family that I need help.
I am going to university next year as well, and I don't know what to do when there's loads of alcohol around.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!! I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have ruined my life already and I'm only 20 years old. I need to resit an exam this year to get into university and I know if I continue the cycle I'm in, there is no chance at all that I will pass. I really appreciate any help given, thank you so much.
