My Truth.
I think that for the majority of my life, I have struggled with the reality of facing The Truth. I've always been a runner.
I've never taken responsibility for the things I'd done up until this point.
Drinking, especially was one of the biggest factors of my life. I ran away from the truth that it was a problem, I ran from other problems and solved them by secretly feeding this addiction. Always telling myself that it was okay.. That I was okay, and as a result continued on this path of burying myself in guilt, shame and secrets.
I was living a double life. Functioning in my day to day life, hiding away taking drinks in private places and bouncing back like I had done nothing...But I was holding on to these secrets and even though I felt better for that second...giving into my addiction only made the guilt and shame that came after, last longer than anything else.
There have been many times where I've told myself I was done. That I was ready to stop and to take control of myself and my life. To be better because I knew deep down that I was. That I deserved it. I guess in all reality even though I knew that I wasn't a terrible person part of me believed I was, so I never took these thoughts seriously. Once again telling myself that it was okay to take that drink...That I was okay.. that it would eventually be okay. Years later..It never was. Nothing ever changed and I was still clinging onto that utter misery I kept allowing myself to live.
Something inside of me clicked this past year though...Like that one light bulb that wasn't working finally switched on and I could see..Everything made sense.
My tired turned into exhausted and I just didn't want to be this way anymore. I wanted to be present in my life. I wanted to wake up and not feel like letting another day pass by because I felt sick. I wanted to know what it was like to go through days and not crave alcohol. So I've been trying.
I went from drinking everyday to every other day to almost nothing.
But then I went backwards and started drinking again. I'm in a relationship now - or have been for the past 7 months and I've kept this a secret. He doesn't drink and doesn't like how I act when I do so I've kept it hidden...
Until last night. I was tired of lying, tired of not showing my whole self to someone who Loves me and is completely honest with me. So I told him everything. Every ugly bit of truth about my problem...my addiction. It's been a burden lifted off of my shoulders and I feel better knowing I don't have to do this alone. That I don't have to lie.
So, I'm back to square one. Today is day 2. Hopefully tomorrow will be day 3 and so and and so forth. I've lost too many people, too many opportunities and I've lost too much happiness and too much of myself to stop now.
Anyway, I'm here to be a part of this journey with all of you going through recovery and need support. I hope we can all do this together.
Happy Tuesday my People.
-V