Thread: My fantasy girl
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Old 05-15-2005, 05:12 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Captain Morgan
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Posts: 281
The carnality of being

Christ is...

alcohol without the hangover
lust and sex without the pregnancy and travail
food that satisfies hunger
liquid that satisfies thirst
meaning without words
intelligence without logic
wisdom beyond understadning
pain without sorrow
drugs without addiction
beauty without vanity
the answer to questions unknowable
predestination without coercion
a choice with a multitude of answers

I'm still tangled in the sins of my past. I keep thinking of "my fantasy girl." I died when I seperated myself from her, and I have not lived since, and when have I ever lived? I try to recall living, and I can't really do it outside of neurosis and fantasy. I keep thinking my life doesn't exist apart from her, even though I know my life doesn't exist with her. I know this isn't life.

Life has become a matter of survival; everything hurts, and nothing seems worth hurting for. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live. I don't want to exist, and I don't want to not be. I don't want to be, and I don't want to not be. I don't want to live in the past, and I don't want to experience the present. I don't know why I met her, and I don't know why I still want her; much like alcohol.

She brings me pleasure followed by pain, and I seem to thrive on this to my own destruction. I don't know where to turn. Therapy seems to offer false hope. Christianity seems to offer hope I have trouble waiting for. I just hate feeling love for someone who doesn't know I exist, and if she does, she doesn't let me know about it. I just don't understand why she entered my life. There has to be some reason, and I know she has shaped who I am, but is she someone I should forget about, or someone that I will meet in the end? Why has she shaped who I am, and yet she represents the "dog in me chasing its tail?" My lust I can't shake. Why is my agenda dead, and yet still alive? Why am I alive, and yet dead? why do I continue to breathe her through my corrupt nostrils.
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