Step work and revelations
So, I am getting settled living in my new place. I should have done this years ago. I have no emotions regarding the ending of my marriage, just relief. I have plenty of emotions otherwise, though. I am trying to adjust to the idea of new found freedom and balancing that with the alone time that I find myself having more of now.
I recently revisited step 9 in my Al Anon work and realized I hadn't put my xbf from college on my list. I prayed about it and what happened that broke us apart after dating for a year and realized I was probably a complete b*tch. I told my sponsor and she said I should make amends if I could find him. So, I found him on FB. I friended him, he friended me back and then he messaged me. We swapped numbers and I sent him some old pics of us and pics from his rugby matches that were buried in photo albums from my college days. He called me on Sunday and it was really interesting to talk to someone that you haven't spoken with for 25 years and realize that they hadn't changed that much. Yes, he had become an adult: a few kids, a successful business, a place in Aruba, and a divorce under his belt, too, but really he still sounded the same to me.
He told me that I am nothing like I was back in college and he claims I look totally different and more confident in my FB photos. Apparently, we have no hard feelings for each other either, so that was good to get the amends off my chest, too.
So, after finding those pictures, I started going through all my old photos and I saw so many pics of myself in my 30s. I almost wanted to throw them away. I look tired and in many photos I actually look like I might have just finished crying. My hair was never styled, I wore no makeup, and I just looked drab despite my young age. Now, I know that a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had a toddler and was raising a young child but I think a lot of it was a reflection of the deeper issues I was going through. I wasn't taking care of me. I was so wrapped up in making my AH's life better and in fixing everything for him; being the perfect wife; that I neglected who I was and I neglected my own well being. I was the perfect Stepford wife.
Fast forward to pictures over the past few years. It's a totally different story. Once I found recovery and knew I had choices and started to work through all the muck from the past 40 years, I started to heal. And, what a change it has been. It's amazing how, when you start healing on the inside, it reflects on the outside to others.
I am so grateful to my program and to everyone here at SR. I still have a long way to go and I have been up and down a lot over the past 3 weeks. Thank you all so much for being hard on me at times and for pushing me to think and feel when I wanted to shut down or live in denial. Hugs to you all!!