It's great to meet you Cohiba.
Most of the good stuff's already been said I see.
I'm another of those who tried desperately to moderate & ended up totally dependent on it later in life. I'm glad you're taking a look at what it does to you - how despite your best intentions, you end up doing unplanned & dangerous things. I wish I'd questioned my behavior decades before I finally did.
You're never alone Cohiba - I'm happy you found us.