I cannot tell you how difficult it was to read your poem to your mother. I am *that* mother. I can in retrospect, however, say that I provided a loving home for my girls until I decided to divorce their father and move out. ME!!? A stay-at-home mother (by choice) ..... ME?!? A mother who was admired by all that knew her because of the love she had for her girls. ME?!? The one who was brought up so differently from what I've become!
Now I sit wondering how to MAKE IT UP for the last few years of pain and misery I put my girls through. I was NEVER out of their lives .... but I did not realize the severity of my absence in the same home and what my addictions had on them. It's a pain that I will have to carry with me the rest of my life. I tried *buying* their love ..... but that doesn't work ..... I just did whatever it could to have them WANT me, be with me, love me ..... even if that meant spoiling them with whatever they needed materialistically! What an awful message I was sending them!
My oldest is 18 and as I read your words I could hear her writing and feeling the very thoughts you expressed.
In my case, I tried to reach out .... tried to explain ..... tried to talk to them; but they just didn't want to know or hear about my life "without dad!" They felt/feel abandoned and from what I've been told "want their OLD mom back"!
Reading your post here just tears me apart .... not just for me .... but also for YOU! I'm so very sorry you have had to experience this. How I wish things could have been different for you ..... but alcohol destroys the very essence of a person ..... they DO *settle* for things ..... for their disease is all that consumes them.
I don't know whether or not you have shared your writing with your mother, but I know that if I had received a letter/poem like that, I would be so very very grateful. Don't know if it would change her addictions, but it would explain your inner feelings and maybe change your relationship somewhat.
I have no advice; just offer you prayers and praise your courage to write and share your incredible post.
THIS mother thanks you and wishes things would change.
If sharing, releasing your thoughts or feelings would help you, feel free to PM me ..... if I can help in any way, I'm here!
You're a great, STRONG young woman! I hope you know that! I hope that in a sobering moment of your mom's time, she will be able to read what you wrote and embrace it, cherish it, and maybe change; but I don't know the situation, and I certainly can't promise that will happen.
All my love and prayers to you,
Maria
Originally Posted by DefofLov
This is a poem I have written about my mother, I wanted to share it with you all because you can probably cross out mother and just plug in the A in your life and identify with it. It felt really good to write this and get it out there and express my feelings about her in this very touching piece. Hope it touches you all. 
My Mother
Mother, it is strange that there is so much I want to tell you but I can't. I can tell everyone but you how I feel about you. I can stand in front of a million people and testify how I feel about you but I cannot sit in a room alone with you and utter a single word of it. All I know is that my love for you is undying. I miss you but I know you are not good for me. I know that I cannot be around you that much because you cannot provide me with the nurturing motherly love that I need and you drain me with your alcoholism and manipulative behavior.
Your drunken behavior was once a blessing to me because it was the only time you would pay any attention to me. Like you had to get drunk in order to tolerate my presence.
Mother, I am your baby, your youngest, and the only one of your children who has never ever defied you. I cannot defy you for I fear you will no longer love me the way you do should I protest your behavior. Mother, I want you to know what I have been through. I want you to know how much I have hurt over the years.
I want you to know that I sat on the counter looking out of the window waiting for you to come home.
I want you to know that every single day that you made me live with grandma I cried for you.
I want you to know that every single time Aunt Dena struck my heart with her harsh words...the fact that you did nothing about me struck my inner essence.
I want you to know that everytime you let my brother tease me and beat me up I cried for more than his aggrevation, I cried because I could not run to you.
I want you to know that I do not know how to ask for help from others because I cannot seek help from you.
I want you to know that I will never ever drink in my life for fear that I might become the worst that is in you.
I want you to know that out of all the abusive and toxic people I have had in my life, you were the one who has both hurt me the most and loved me the most.
I want you to know that my heart hurts everytime I smell Calvin Klein's Obsession, I am reminded of you and it hurts.
I want you to know that I just want you to know how much I hurt so that you could know who I am better not so that you can hurt to.
Mother, something inside of me yearns for you and no matter how hard I try, I will always have a void in my heart from reaching out to you and never being able to hold on to you. Something inside of me will always make me cry for you. Something inside of me will always wish so much more for you than what you have limited yourself to and settled for. Something inside of me will always wish you did not drink the way you do. Something deep inside of me will always love you and hate the alcohol that consumes you.
Mother
I
Need
You
And
Love
You.
~Def