Finally decided
Alright y’all I am in!
I have been so wishy-washy over how to deal with the fact that I am addicted to alcohol. Not sure how to handle it. Thinking I am going to fail if I don’t do this right. Alcohol will kill me but only if I drink it and I am sick of being afraid!
Part of my past that I haven’t shared here before is when I quit doing cocaine. I don’t think I was as addicted (is that a thing) but I was doing it frequently. It was usually free or cheap because I was bartending at a dive bar where the dealers would come to sell. They didn’t get hassled and we got baggies. One night I was out with a dealer drinking having a good time and the dealer got busted. I was searched and found to be in possession. I thankfully was able to pay for a great attorney who the arrest and conviction scrubbed from my record with two month probation. I did coke three more times each time with great regret afterwards thinking “what am I doing?! Why would I ruin my life like this?” I still worked at a bar where it was done and still hung out with people who did it. I told them to tell me no if I ever asked for some and usually didn’t ask. That was years ago.
I ended up in the hospital after trying to go cold turkey without the alcohol. I gave up so much of my life to bartending and living the party life. That is until the party life turned into hard core isolation. I blindly did not notice how much alcohol was taking from me. The longer I am sober (a few days away from 4 months) the more I see how bad I was. I see good times as well but I had some fun with cocaine as well.
So here I go. Down the rabbit hole. I am going to a SMART meeting tonight, ordering RR, picking up yoga, exercising more, spending a lot of time with family, checking into SR daily, going to therapy, reading about the medical side of addiction, sober MeetUp groups and living life to its fullest.
I want to want AA but I just don’t. I don’t feel the connection and feel better on the days I don’t go to meetings. I am not bashing and know that it has helped a great many people. It is filled with love and support and a great place to go.
Who knows, maybe one day I will check it out again. However, I am not going to do it because I am scared of not going. One thing I have learned through here and AA is that I don’t know the future. This is THE fight. I am going to give it all I can and for right now that involves knowing me and what I can accomplish.
Anyway, it feels good to finally of decided.