Hello, and welcome! Sending you strength and lots of hugs
My AH is an IV heroin user and also been on suboxone for a very long time. He just got out of rehab, detoxing from both and boy, oh, boy, the stories he tells me. I have to admit that he is a very different man from the man that went into rehab. I don't know how long this will last, but anyway. AH is now constantly sharing with me, we talk every day. I was a very sophisticated CIA agent for the 2 years that he has been using apparently. I was also researching, I was asking questions, trying to figure out what doses of sub he is on, is he using, why is he not available, why does he think it is ok to drink (sometimes he would also drink), etc. My AH is also very athletic and by the looks of it, you just would never know that he uses heroin.
I was so wrong. Apparently AH used the whole two years and all the worrying and checking and trying to figure out, gave me maybe 2% of the whole picture, which was much much worse. I spent 100% of my time trying to figure out his chit and for what??? The point is - either they are in recovery or they are not. Because eventually they will go to what they really like - opioids. If your bf is drinking and smoking pot and taking a benzo on top of suboxone, he is not sober. You are not supposed to take Klonopin and Suboxone together, I am sure he knows that
You love him and you worry, but the thing is, there is nothing you can do. You feel that something is not right, it is not right. Yes, suboxone numbs their feelings. AH now tells me that he always felt on the side, didn't want to be intimate, didn't want to be around me or the kids at all
However, who knows what else he is doing or not doing. I even **** tested AH, IOP **** tested AH, he had a sponsor and he still got high around it. We are powerless, all we can do is build a strong foundation and relay on ourselves. Their addiction engulfs us, makes us doubt ourselves. Do you go to Al-anon? It has been a lifesaver for me.