I found the perfect solution to dealing with my teenagers, and I offer this without judging you in any way.
I stopped fighting with them. Stopped reacting. Stopped making sure they know that I know that they are the ones who started it. Stopped letting them get under my skin at the very first sign. Stopped talking about it to them, to my friends, and stopped chewing on it forever in my head like a squirrell with a nut a few yards away that you can still here just going to town on that thing.
I just started letting it go. It's a process, practicing releasing resistance. Once I got instant rewards for doing so (increased peace of mind, increased cooperation from teenage child, increased time to focus on things I want and love, which make me feel better right away) I trusted enough to try it again and again and that built up the habit more easily than I would have ever imagined. It just take practice.
We literally have no issues now, because I refused to get drawn into the power struggles. And now a days if I do get mad and yell, its such a rare occurance that they straighten up right away and do the commanded thing and are sorry right away. Then I'm sorry. Then we get back to our regularly scheduled lives.
I know my power. I know my worth. I know theirs as well. I know dozens of mothers who have lost their kids to accidental OD. I'm grateful grateful my kids are still with me.
Gratitude changes everything. Good luck with the kiddos. You're a great mom, don't worry.