Thank you all so much. I really needed to hear that I am not alone. I know I will get emotional when I tell him how I feel because my heart is hurting so much. I feel like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't and this disease is ruining my relationship. The lies and the betrayal of my trust are the worst. He makes me feel like I am wrong for getting so angry about the drinking. I have told him how I feel and how it is ruining us and that I don't see us making it while he's drinking and he just deflects. He is so good at manipulating me into thinking I am wrong for being upset and that I deserve his anger. He likes to remind me that he doesn't hit me or break things around the house so I should be grateful that he's not "that kind" of drunk. He also thinks that when he's sober and not drinking for a while that I should forgive and forget all the stress and sadness he pours on me. It feels so manipulative and wrong. I think about the good times and while he is sober more than drunk (although that is starting to change) and it makes it hard for me to realize how bad it actually is.
I guess it hurts so much because I have been nothing but supportive. He didn't have a lot of love growing up and I show nothing but love. Maybe that is the problem. I am too loving and caring.
I am going to write a letter to him and sit him down and read it. I know if I don't, I will probably break down and start losing focus because I am so distraught over this.
I can definitely stand on my own two feet. I own my home, I have a nice car I pay for, I pay all my own bills. I don't NEED him around, I WANT him around, but I think its coming around that if he can't do what needs to be done that might change.
Sorry I'm so windy. It's so therapeutic to finally be able to speak with others that have the same things in their lives. Thank you all.